Courtney Wells' Blog

AND THEN THINGS TURNED AROUND….

I’ve always had ups and downs. That’s normal. Sometime I have a hard time cathing myself while I’m falling. Sometimes I just don’t. This time I couldn’t as hard as I tried for a very long time.

I’ve finally found a new job. I’m moving back to the beach and I’m waiting to hear back from a cute apartment that my boyfriend and I will potentially be moving to. Life is good. My phone is fixed. There is money in the bank and I’m so happy that things are seemingly turning around.

Its so easy to get caught up in all of it. The Shit. I’m over a month drug free (weed) and that alone has opened a huge sense of awareness. I love my life.

I’m on the inclining part of my rollercoaster and so long as I can help it, I will have control of the rest of the ride, or at least never fall out of my seat.

On my way to audition a new guitarist…

So, I’m on my way to audition a guitar player. I’m pretty excited about it. Since the New Year I’ve been pretty good at tapping bit by bit into everything that’s been bothering me. I fell behind and while I was falling life got in the way and blew up in my face every ten feet. Kinda like Alice falling through the rabbit whole. It’s so easy to get lost and deterred from your dreams. Lose inspiration. Get down on yourself. I’m choosing life, something I had been questioning. That’s a scary place.

I picked up a book…

I’ve been having a bit of a rough go for awhile.

My man has been reading a lot lately and with my whole clean up New Year resolutions, I was inspired.

I decided to read The Alchemist again. A bit cheese I know but honestly was the best thing I’ve done for myself in awhile.

I remember reading it the first time and enjoying it. The pursuit of your “Personal Legend”. I was on a plane to L.A. short listed for a pilot to shoot in Turks and Caicos. I didn’t quite grasp the whole struggle. The successes resonated with me but the failures slipped through the pages.

As I laid in bed, with my man at my side, it all felt right. Like the words were written for me to read right then and there. Just then, Eli my dog jumped up on the bed and snuggled in.

It’s the simple things. The “omens” that make the journey great. Recognizing them.

A trip down memory lane…

First, I’ll say that today is day #2 not smoking pot 24/7.

It started with me looking for my S.I.N card. After a failed attempt at yet another interview I gave into the system. I’m gonna get some assistance. Makes you feel kind vulnerable but I guess when you truly can’t sort things out on your own fast enough, that’s what it’s there for.

The tearing through semi organized boxes and files lead me to a trip I never expected.

Pictures and notes and lyrics… The paper is endless. Even an old envelope with a reference to “Cache”, a restaurant I was supposed to look into when I moved here 8 years ago. What took me for the biggest surprise was negatives to my first headshots.

This wouldn’t seem so extraordinary except that they were shot by an old boyfriend of mine. We worked on many projects together in high school and he was even my first boyfriend when I moved to Chatham when I was twelve. He had all my baby photos from a project we had done for high school. The irony is that the project was about a girl would never existed because her father died before she was born. The video was about me talking about my childhood and clips of pictures.

He killed himself a couple years ago. I was never told. His family played it off as accidental. I guess I’ve never really dealt with it. I totally forgot that he shot me before I made my big move.

He was amazing. He did the sweetest things and supported me every step of the way. I last saw him one night at a pub a few years back. He seemed awkward and empty. There is always a sense of guilt.

RIP Joel Verwegen- you left this world far before your time. Or maybe I’m just selfish.

A cry for help?

Im not good at this tumblr stuff. I actually only check my sisters’ from time to time to see where they’re at. I’ve always been pretty much to myself and kept it all inside. I let out the bits people wanna see and what I wanna show. I feel that at this moment in my life I’m falling. Collapsing maybe. Crying for help? I’ve always been self sufficient and I’ve always filled the void. I’ve always been someone to go to, trust. I’m so lost. Everything feels empty and I can’t seem to put it back together. My only saving grace is my man. He loves this me and builds me up. I just wish I could get ahead and get out of this whole. I hate feeling pathetic. Maybe I’m to hard on myself but I have such high expectations. I need to fill my heart. I need to exercise everything I am. I need to be happy again.